Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I hate everything
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
They did not miss in the small print
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit