Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
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Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”