People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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How to wake up a Beagle
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Hey I worked for it too!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying