18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written