I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
それは草
When he asks for feet pics
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas