I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but