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Just ordered me some pizza!
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I don’t know what to do
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Cheers Twitter.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.