It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.