I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
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Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!