idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t