Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”