“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
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Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
As the Lord intended
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.