Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
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Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
oppen heimer style lol
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Happy Star Wars day!
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
When you’re Kinky but poor
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.