me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Love thy neighbor’s dog
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?