Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.