Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place