therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.![]()
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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs