Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
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When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.