Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
umm…
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.