I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.