Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
You Might Also Like
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Watermelon Boss!
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
felt that
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Super Hand Dog Face
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.