Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.