The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Yup
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?