I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
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God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock