They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities