That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
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Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’d hang this in my house.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
That seems a conundrum…
馃
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
In Canada they just call them geese
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
lmfao
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 馃槀
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*