I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,