Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
You Might Also Like
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.