No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
You Might Also Like
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
😂😂😂
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play