*pronounces UPS like yoops
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
pls suprot
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.