me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
You Might Also Like
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.