The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk