You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)