My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who