A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
was Jim off killing horses or…
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”