[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.