My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Twitter is an abusement park.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.