My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
You Might Also Like
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Hamburger Hinderer.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape