We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Selfie