After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?