me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.