My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I gave up going to work for lent.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”