Is….Is this an option?
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.