I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.