Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
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I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
oh my gosh!!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable