“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.