Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Baking is just science you can eat.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.