Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
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Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.
Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
cat vs inanimate object
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
him: *dying* avenge me
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
this one is broken
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry
not salty enough
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?