Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
shampoo implies shampee
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Seals are just dog mermaids.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.