At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
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The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Favourite diary entry ever
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
kitchen magnet
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one