NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
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My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity