Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology